Category: Philosophy


Drowning – A Poem


I scream; I laugh; I cry about.

I know their hearts are filled with doubt

in fear.

 

They listen not; they understand not; they compose not.

They fill the time with meaningless snot

in distraction.

 

Our only hope, our only life, our only love.

Our minds opening to a significant shove

in reality.

 

The voice we hear; there is a sound.

The silence is not as remote or profound

as imagined.

 

We break the norm and stand our ground.

We do not need the frivolous found

as created.

 

But many fall: lost, broken and battered.

Emotionless corpses screaming their chatter

in desperation.

 

There is only one and until we see

there is no break from you and me,

we drown.

 

And the water consumes us all…

 

This Is My Space


Sometimes, I remember and realize I have been too busy to visit my spaces. I see myself passing through them as if they were impersonal places that mean nothing more than the grocery store or the cubicle. I move in and out out my day without taking the time to cherish the flow of liberating treasures that are my space. Sometimes, I forget, but not today:

There is this space, just inside the walk-in closet at the back corner of my home. This… this is my space. I claim it for my very own. It is spattered with my things; it harbors my energy with my presence lingering in the cracks and crevices that only I am aware of. Those spots that only I care about and cherish. When things go wrong, this is where you can find me. I go there to think, to organize, to hide, to digress. When I’m devious, I go there. When I’m depressed, I go there. When I’m ready to relax, I go there. It is my sanctuary, and the place where I change who I am. This… this is my space.

There is this space, just inside my mind at the back corner of my neck. This… this is my space. I claim it for my very own. It is spattered with my visions; it harbors my energy with my virtual presence lingering in the cracks and crevices that only I am aware of. Those spots that only I care about and cherish. When I’m trying to see things from a different perspective, this is where you can find me. I go there to analyze, to organize, to fix, to digress. When I’m devious, I go there. When I’m depressed, I go there. When I’m ready to face it head on, I go there. It is my sanctuary, and the place where my true vision lies like a movie from Hollywood. This… this is my space.

There is this space, just inside my chest at the back corner of my heart. This… this is my space. I claim it for my very own. It is spattered with my feelings; it harbors my energy with my virtual presence lingering in the cracks and crevices that only I am aware of. Those spots that only I care about and cherish. When my emotions overwhelm me, this is where you can find me. I go there to feel, to organize, to reveal, to digress. When I’m devious, I go there. When I’m depressed, I go there. When I’m ready to bask in the glory, I go there. It is my sanctuary, and the place where my essence resonates. This… this is my space.

Today, I choose to simplify and remember for my liberating treasures are glowing, and this… this is my space.

Do You See?


There it is. Do you see?

I can feel it. It’s heavy, weighted, suppressing.

What is that? Is it our burdens to carry? Or maybe it’s the force field protecting us. From what?

I can feel it. It’s deafening, broken, wretched.

What is that? Is it the shallowness of it all? Or maybe it’s the depth that bothers me. What’s behind it?

I can feel it. It’s brilliant, sharp, penetrating.

What is that? Hold still now.

There it is. Do you see?

Lost


I’m lost in the dark.

Where’s my list? What’s the priority? How do I accomplish that? I have plans, some divinely inspired, but can I complete it in time?

Time is short.

Happy? Healthy? Successful? Human.

A tangent. What was the mistake? Was there a mistake?

Reality. Reality? Wake up!

No, not the illusion. A loss of control. The key to awakening? A softening; a lightness. Less resistance. Less baggage to slow me down.

Surrender to it? Where is joy? Within.

My journey through the woods, full of beauty and richness.

But it’s dark. And I’m lost.

Slowing Down


So, I need to slow down. How long do I feel the experience, let my body be encompassed in the experience, let my mind analyze the experience, before I let it’s vibration move on?

My thoughts are scattered. They move in and out quickly as I walk through my day. As one thought stops, another is quickly there to replace it, almost as if it’s scared to not have a thought to consider. Almost as if I’m meant to be distracted in order to keep my machine distracted from my Being.

My task list is vast and never-ending. As one task is completed, another is quickly there to replace it, almost as if my body is scared to remain motionless. Almost as if I’m meant to be distracted in order to keep my machine distracted from my Being.

My emotional reactions are strong and continuous. As one emotion fleets through, another is quickly there to replace it, almost as if my heart is scared to not feel the next wave of emotion. Almost as if I’m meant to be distracted in order to keep my machine distracted from my Being.

Stop.

Close your eyes, and take a deep breath.

Hold it, just a little longer than you normally do, before you exhale it completely.

Open your eyes and look around.

Stop.

You’re distracted immediately. Try again.

Look around without judgment; observe without wonder; just see.

Now.

Breathe in. Feel your surroundings. Let your body “see” the surroundings.

Stop.

Just this small, task of stillness is challenging.

Stop.

Breathe.

Ramblings


After 12 hours: How trivial it all seems to be.

This morning on my way to pick up my daughter, I watched a woman hurrying, on foot in the rain. I wondered where she thought she had to go so badly that required her to take this drowning stroll down the street. What reality had she become enraptured and engrossed in that she felt obligated to make that journey and so early on a Sunday morning? Was it church? Was it her children? Was it the desire to fulfill her requirements with an employer in order for her to be able to “provide” for herself? Is there an emergency? Could it just be the rain pushing her along, but if so, why is she there to begin with?

I watched the colors of the lights. Red light. I’m programmed to have an internal alarm go off at the sight of this color. If driving, I should stop…wait. If looking at the man across the table, he’s in a “power color”, so I’m to feel a little inferior. Look at the color of the gas station sign. The price is in red. Is that because I should stop there for gas? Is that to gain my attention? Wait, what about my red light? Oh, yes, that’s why they are honking at me from behind. It’s green… I need to go now. If I don’t, the people in their cars behind me will become irritated, upset, possibly even irate… maybe even irate enough to come and scream at me through my window. What would be my reaction to them after my recent experiences? Would it be to quickly stomp on the gas pedal and speed off? Would it be to roll my window down and ask them why they feel the need to get so angry? Would it be to simply laugh at their programming, knowing that they know not what they truly are? Once again, I would see my programmed response to the color red, as I’m sure that is the color their skin would wear as they yelled.

I go; it’s a green light. Green… like the color of the trees. Is this nature’s color? What have I been programmed to believe about green? Is green supposed to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, giving me permission to “go”? Green, the color we associate with money, greed, jealousy. She is green with envy. Why green? The trees are green; the grass is green. I see the beauty in the green so why have I let myself believe in the expression of green in any other way? No longer for me. For me, green is warm. Today, it is my conscious decision to say so. And as quickly as I declare it, I let it escape me and pass. For it, too, does not matter, and the declaration against is just as limiting as the declaration to conform. Red. Green. Stop. Go. As long as you are engrained enough to care, your programming still has you distracted enough to forget your Self. I forget my Self.

I continued driving. Why am I driving? Why do I feel the need to hurry so? Why do we not take the leisurely stroll as we used to? Our vehicles have aided in our advancement and our destruction all rolled into one. We can get farther, faster. We can experience more in a shorter amount of time. But with the speed that we are moving, what actually are we experiencing? What experiences and observations are we able to make that do not promote the evolution of our false personality? Too often, I skim the surface of the experience, giving me the capability of claiming the happening only. However, the true experience was more than likely lost along the pace. The exercise of moving my physical body is no longer associated with getting from one place to another. It’s allowed me to become less aware of my physical Self and perpetuated the increased rate of the “life” I’m living as I leave the quality of the experience behind, lost. Why do I do that? Why do I want to move so fast?

A Swinging Pendulum


Every day brings me new opportunities to learn and experiences to create. I make it a priority to choose to apply my days developing my Self in some way, either through physical and mental awareness and/or observing how I respond to certain influences. From time to time, I meet challenges presented to me head on, but may realize in the process that I need to learn to be more considerate of others. Occasionally, I barely even recognize the challenges presented, and may need to learn to be more aware and maybe speak up for myself. In some way, I am continuously experiencing my development of awareness, looking to fine tune one quality or another along the way. What I have observed in my Self is that sometimes in the process of doing so, I enter into a different phase that once in awhile results in imbalance and instability.

For example, sometimes I go through a phase of needing to learn how to say no, as part of learning to set boundaries and take care of myself. This is a problem I have carried with me for years. In business, I can see the benefit to delegation and teamwork, and do so often, but still have a hard time telling someone “no” if I think they are counting on me in anyway. In my personal life, I have an even harder time usually not even recognizing it when it happens. If I do distinguish it, it takes a lot of internal convincing that it’s okay to let someone down or maybe even disappoint someone close to me if it is in the best interest of my own Being.

Every once in awhile when I differentiate this behavior in my Self, my initial reaction is to rebel and just say no to everything that comes my way, to not care about anyone or anything other than practicing and exploring my capability of saying no. When I do this, I feel like a child that has learned how to crawl, discovering the initial realization that I can get from Point A to Point B without any help from anyone else. I want to explore freely and fully and because it’s new, it’s exciting and I feel empowered.

As you can imagine, this tends to make the people around me uncomfortable because it is out of my normal “character”. It does not reflect the false personality and programmed response that they were expecting, and often it creates a shock to their Self sending them into an imbalance that they now have to learn to experience. In a way, I have helped them anyway, just not necessarily on the way they intended.

Intentionally swinging the pendulum too far in one direction or the other is understandable and may benefit you on your journey. The overcompensation for a suppressed or unrealized quality can only serve to bring that quality into balance. By doing so, we are mastering a new skill, and eventually, as we integrate it into our overall identity, it will take its position as part of a balanced Self. The key is to be able to recognize when the pendulum is swinging and to remain patient and observant without judgment until it settles once again in the center.

Need for Drama


As many of you know, we have been surrounded by wildfires burning uncontrollably here in Austin, TX due to our extreme drought conditions. Of course, my heart goes out to all of the families affected by those wildfires, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

But while I may be concerned for those families and their recent opportunity to start over, I can’t help but notice the amount of people that are not even affected by the fire directly re-telling other people’s stories as if they, themselves, we caught on fire. They are relaying information (that may or may not even be accurate) and using that time and experience in a way that selfishly enables them to feel a small, fleeting sense of importance about themselves. WTF?

I listened today in, as Jason likes to call it, the hen house of my office to a group of women trying to outdo each other with their vast acquired knowledge of the wildfire situation and the families affected. It created a snowball effect that one story had to outdo the next story which had to be even more radical or grotesque than the next story. And all of the while, there was very little compassion about the families that they were actually talking about. During the course of the conversation, it was obvious to an outside on-looker, that the stories being told were not nearly as important at the amount of attention that the stories were bringing them. I shook my head and exited the room.

Some people’s need for drama amazes me sometimes. I think it was Kurt Vonnegut that once tried to explain that our need for drama is because we want our lives to be like the stories we read. But… I guess it’s just my opinion that if my life is not like the stories I read, then… I’m probably doing it right. The drama, whether constant or intermittent, is simply another distraction from my awareness of my own Self.

I see it on the internet all of the time: great minds getting mired down in the crap that doesn’t matter, forums of people ganging up on an outsider for beliefs that aren’t quite aligned with their own, and psycho idiots spouting off at the mouth about some craziness that they probably created. And oh, how people want to watch it. They want to get involved in it. They want to have the opportunity to voice their two cents about whatever the situation might be. Hell, by just knowing about it happening, I’m somewhat involved myself. I question why I follow some of it, justifying that as long as I’m not directly involved in the drama, it doesn’t really count. Hmmmm. Does it?

Yesterday, a friend of mine said that they were tired of dealing with a former friend they had. This former friend was consistently proving a thorn in many of his online endeavors and accomplishments. He had tried to ignore the criticism and complaining, but had finally given in and conversed with this former friend in an attempt to get past it. He didn’t think it worked, possibly that it was a waste of his time. I think he was probably right about that. His former friend was just trying to perpetuate the drama previously played out between them. I told my friend that his former friend still probably felt a tinge of betrayal and resentment for the drama that existed between them, and that until my friend admitted that he was wrong in some way, his former friend would probably just continue to create instances of extended drama. In some instances of drama, silence really can be golden.

To take it one step further, just like the hen house example, when surrounding yourself with dramatic experiences (real or imagined), we begin unconsciously attracting drama to us. We reach a point where our lives feel too unworthy without the dramatic performances. It can create an addiction to the adrenaline high experienced during the heat of the climactic moment, even when the drama isn’t experienced by us directly.

Our lives don’t have to be like the stories in order for them to have substantial meaning and impact on our own evolution. To remain wrapped up in perpetuating the daily dramas of nothingness is to choose to be distracted from self-observation. It is choosing to indulge in our false personalities and remain asleep at the wheel. The drama does not awaken your Being. It may provide you with instances to glimpse an “I” that you didn’t realize you may have. However, when we are consumed by the drama, we are typically unaware of the opportunity to see it for what it is.

The Choice of Awareness


Our lives are constantly in motion. This energy creates the constant changes that make up our existence. Every day, I hear questions thrown out at random like “Why is this happening to me,” and “What did I do to deserve this?” As much as some people may not want to take responsibility for their actions, the answer to both questions is “Because of the choices you’ve made.” While the questions are thrown out at random, the constant energy creating the results we deal with is not random. It is not haphazard or cast down upon you. You have created it, and it is a product of your creation.

Every choice made in every given moment creates the reality around you.

Our lives are constantly in motion. In the duration of a split nanosecond, our lives can change immensely. The energy of constant change moves more rapidly than we can consciously understand. Most of the choices we make on a daily basis are done so in a state of reaction, instantaneous and without much thought. Each of these quick, small responses carries the capability of suddenly impacting the world around us. Sometimes these transitions are invisible to the untrained eye. Sometimes, these transitions impact not only you, but all within your sphere of influence. Either way, at your core, at your soul, and with awareness, you can feel your vibration transforming. Now is the time to take control over this possibility. Now is the time to recognize the power of the vibrational shift and play a deliberate role in directing the energetic motion of our daily lives.

Every choice, every action, every formulation, or lack thereof, of intention will shift your vibrational existence.

Our lives are constantly in motion. Every moment in time is filled with infinite opportunities to manifest your will, whether you are consciously aware of it or not. Every moment comes with the choice of awareness. Choosing to not be aware of this key element is choosing to feel lost, out of control, helpless, or maybe even falsely that you are guided by a higher being. Your awareness of the consequences of your thoughts and actions provide you with the power to define your liberation. The choices you make represent your own personal power. How often you choose to be aware of your personal power will determine the amount of instances you find yourself asking, “Why is this happening to me?”


I sit here. I write it down. I journal it. I go back later and re-read it. I analyze it, study it, rethink it. This is my way around the emotions I avoid. This is my intellect trying to create rational distance from the emotion so that I can feel less afraid of the murkiness of my Self. It is dark there in the murkiness. There is much unprocessed emotional baggage weighing me down. I feel it swirling in my thoughts, guiding my heated arguments. Those shadows of previous anguish shift my perspective of Self and allow me to turn away from the observations I need to make. I can see it here. I can feel it.

I finally realize that it is a paradox. In order to know myself better and to become more fully aware of who I really am, I have to take a look at all of the feelings, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs that I’ve avoided looking at in the past. That is not to say that I need to delve into the buried emotions of previous heartache, for such a journey into the past is counterproductive and rarely worth our precious time to do so. However, it is to say that starting with the present moment, I must see within my Self all that I avoid as it manifests. I must deal with all creeping emotions that don’t seem to relate to the situation at hand, yet here they are. I must face the fear of that image, regardless of what form it comes to me in. Whether it is the childhood nightmare that resurfaces subconsciously or the disappointment of overhearing my “friend” degrade me when they think I’m not listening, the observation of my Self during these times is critical.

These are my missed opportunities. These instances of fear or rejection are my gates to walk through rather than my mountain to climb, or worse, turn my back on. These are the messengers that bring me just the needed information in order to understand my Self. These… these are the moments of truth in awakening.

As I’ve begun to do this, I realize that every time that I observe my Self in the moment of a negative manifestation, I feel lighter. I feel brighter. I feel more courageous to continue to look at my Self in the manner necessary to observe objectively and without judgment. The energy, my vibration, it shifts. I can sense the energy moving, allowing me to tap into the previously deprived guidance I shunned. My inspiration to continue grows.

There is still so much to learn.